Sprinkler Shopping — A Radio Play
Setting: the American Heartland, Northpoint Shopping Plaza.
Steve strolls De L’obscurité. A nearby grand piano plays “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.” Light crowd noise.
Piano transitions into something somber and romantic, then slowly fades away as Steve heads toward Richard’s Lawn & Garden.
Robust crowd noise.
Ambient music fades in: The All-American Rejects — Swing, Swing.
Music cross-fades to: Eli Young Band — Your Last Broken Heart.
Music ends, starts anew: Shooter Jennings — Walk of Life.
Music ends, starts anew: Lyle Lovett — Isn’t That So.
iPhone messaging sound.
BOB:
You been helped, sir?
STEVE:
Ah, I was talking with Dave about forty-five minutes ago?
BOB:
Okay.
STEVE:
But I guess he, he’s busy with something.
BOB:
I can find ’im for ya. What—
STEVE:
Ah, I was thinkin’ about buyin’ a sprinkler system, but...
BOB:
Okay.
STEVE:
Is there— do I need to take a number?
BOB:
No, I can help you out.
STEVE:
Okay.
BOB:
Which kind you lookin’ at?
STEVE:
The, uh, uh, Water Hawk 13.
BOB:
Okay. The Gen III or the Gen IV?
STEVE:
The um... that’s a good question. Looking at this one right here. Full size?
BOB:
Okay, yep. The Gen III.
STEVE:
Na— yeah. Yeah, the Gen IV:
I mean, he didn’t really tell me what was better about it. Just the base is different?
BOB:
Yeah so, the base is different. You do get an extra hose with the Gen IV.
STEVE:
Oh, okay.
BOB:
They also use the two-screen controller. Two-screen, metal controller versus the one-screen, plastic controller. One of the things they upgraded. And the other thing on the Gen IV is they have interchangeable sprinkler heads on ’em.
STEVE:
Mmm.
BOB:
They come in four different sizes, to where you can change the sprinkler head size. So, the hose is a forty-dollar hose, so, some...
STEVE:
Yeah, that almost covers the difference right there.
BOB:
Correct.
STEVE:
So how many hoses do you get here?
BOB:
You get three with this one; you get two with that one.
STEVE:
Alright. Let’s, let’s, let’s—
BOB:
Do the Gen IV?
STEVE:
Do that, yeah, absolutely.
BOB:
Okay. (talks quietly to another employee)
Dave walks up.
STEVE:
Hey, Dave. I, I told them that I was with you.
DAVE:
Okay.
STEVE:
I don’t know if you guys get commission, or what.
DAVE:
Nope! No commission.
STEVE:
Okay.
BOB:
I was trying to take his sale, though.
STEVE:
Well... (laughing)
DAVE:
You are kinda, a thief—
STEVE:
Glad I didn’t have to take a number.
Dave hands Water Hawk to Steve.
DAVE:
Go ahead, look that guy over, make sure everything looks good for ya.
Steve examines the sprinkler, and plays with its moving parts.
STEVE:
Never actually handled a Water Hawk before. Just, uh, the Rainmaker.
DAVE:
And the Gen IV actually comes with three hoses. So you get the hose and the sprinkler, two spare hoses, and then your sprinkler heads.
STEVE:
What is that for?
DAVE:
You can change the head up top here.
STEVE:
Oh, I see.
DAVE:
And actually change, uh...
STEVE:
And have different kinds?
DAVE:
Yup.
STEVE:
Oh, so you can have one that sticks out further, and...
DAVE:
Yup.
STEVE:
Oh, nice, okay. Some people like that better or something?
DAVE:
Some people do.
STEVE:
Okay.
DAVE:
Some people like the jet paddle on some o’ these.
STEVE:
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
DAVE:
It kinda comes out a little farther.
STEVE:
And is this a lock? Comes with a lock?
DAVE:
Yup.
STEVE:
Oh. So I don’t even need to buy a lock right now.
DAVE:
Nope. Yeah, all new sprinklers come with a lock. So...
STEVE:
Sweet. That’s smart.
DAVE:
You said the address and everything is correct, right?
STEVE:
Yes, sir. That is completely current.
DAVE:
Alright.
STEVE:
It expires on my birthday, but that’s six months from now.
DAVE:
Well, we’re good for now! (laughs)
STEVE:
Okay. (smiling)
Music continues to play while Dave operates his sale terminal.
DAVE:
Alright. You’re gonna have to sit at any of the terminals here; get your background check done.
STEVE:
Alrighty.
DAVE:
Very simple procedure. It’s basically the same thing as on the old paper forms —
STEVE:
Okay.
DAVE:
— just on a computer.
STEVE:
Okay. Actually, I think the last time I bought a sprinkler, they didn’t even have that.
DAVE:
Okay.
STEVE:
Okay. Alright.
DAVE:
Well, the first one is nothing more than your pertinent information.
STEVE:
Sure.
DAVE:
Name, address, yada yada yada.
STEVE:
Gotcha.
DAVE:
Ah, spell everything out completely for me.
STEVE:
Will do.
DAVE:
Ah, your Social Security number is optional on the form. You don’t have to put it in.
STEVE:
Alright.
DAVE:
Um, if you do decide to use it, don’t put any dashes in it.
STEVE:
Okay.
DAVE:
Um, everything else after that’s gonna be drop-down menus, or yes-no buttons.
STEVE:
Okay!
DAVE:
So if you have any questions, I’ll be right here.
STEVE:
Thank you, sir.
DAVE:
Okay.
As “Isn’t That So” comes to a close, Steve begins entering data at the terminal.
Music starts anew: Carrie Underwood — Good Girl.
Music ends, starts anew: Bruce Robison & Kelly Willis — Born To Roll.
DAVE:
All done?
STEVE:
Absolutely.
Dave works his terminal to complete the sale.
DAVE:
Go ahead and have you sign and date, here at the top, for me.
STEVE:
Alrighty. What’s—
DAVE:
Five sixteen twenty sixteen.
STEVE:
Sweet.
DAVE:
’Kay. And sign-and-date at the bottom of both of these, for me.
STEVE:
Alright.
Music ends, starts anew: Luke Bryan — Country Man.
DAVE:
Alrighhht.
STEVE:
Here ya go, sir.
Employees talking in background.
DAVE:
Gotta get the boss man to come over and sign all the paperwork, and you’re good-to-go, my friend.
STEVE:
Alright.
Music ends, starts anew: Jack Ingram — Love You.
DAVE:
There he is.
ROD:
What’s up. ... Is there a pen over there?
DAVE:
Yeah. There was. If not, I’ll throw one at ya. ... Aww.
DAVE:
Wanna pick up any fertilizer with it today?
STEVE:
Yeah, why not!
DAVE:
Okay.
STEVE:
I’ll, I’ll be right back. (retrieves bank card)
DAVE:
Yeah, you might want that with you. (laughing)
STEVE:
Take that with me, yeah.
Music ends, starts anew: Ashley Gearing — Out the Window.
DAVE:
Therrre, is your ID back.
STEVE:
OK, thank you.
DAVE:
Your copy of the paperwork, to go as well.
STEVE:
Awesome.
DAVE:
And, got your box of fertilizer.
STEVE:
Oh, headin’ up to the front?
DAVE:
Yup!
STEVE:
Alrighty.
DAVE:
You got all your cleaning supplies?
STEVE:
Yeah, I already got that.
DAVE:
Okay.
STEVE:
Or if I don’t, I’ll come back.
DAVE:
Okay.
STEVE:
I do.
DAVE:
Not a problem. Go ahead and grab your fertilizer, and we’ll head up...
STEVE:
Absolutely.
DAVE:
We got a truck this morning, Bob? No? Three hours early? (laughs) Oh, yeah.
DAVE:
Before you take it out to your yard...
STEVE:
Mm-hm?
DAVE:
Go ahead, break it down, clean it real good.
STEVE:
Okay.
DAVE:
They test spray ’em, but they don’t clean ’em afterwards.
STEVE:
Right.
DAVE:
So...
STEVE:
And then it’s been sitting there for a long time.
DAVE:
Yeah. So, just, break it down, give it a good cleaning, real good. Lube it up. And then take it out to your yard.
STEVE:
Gotcha.
They meet Cheryl at the main entrance.
CHERYL:
Hi, how’re you today?
STEVE:
Doing great, how are you?
CHERYL:
Good, thanks.
DAVE:
Here’s the paperwork, Cheryl.
CHERYL:
Alright. Did you have a green-thumb card with us ...
STEVE:
I do!
Cheryl scans the card.
CHERYL:
Thank you.
STEVE:
Thank you.
CHERYL:
Here ya go.
Cheryl completes the paperwork.
CHERYL:
Alright, this is just gonna ask you a question on the PIN pad for those. It’s just asking for your ...
STEVE:
Okay. Yep. Sure am.
CHERYL:
And did you want to apply for a credit card and get sixty-one dollars back in the mail today?
STEVE:
No, thank you.
CHERYL:
Okay. It’s gonna be six fifty seven and eighty seven cents.
STEVE:
Alright. And do you use this slot?
DAVE:
Yep.
STEVE:
Alright.
CHERYL:
Just wait for it to prompt first.
STEVE:
Oh, okay. I didn’t wait.
CHERYL:
Yeah, okay. It’s gonna need me to reset it.
STEVE:
Okay. Okay. Sorry about that.
CHERYL:
No, you’re fine.
DAVE:
(says something in background)
STEVE:
(laughs)
CHERYL:
Alright.
STEVE:
Okay.
Steve finishes card transaction.
CHERYL:
Mm-hm. And, it’s gonna have you sign.
STEVE:
Okay. Gotcha.
DAVE:
Got another little bag over there, Cheryl?
CHERYL:
Yeah.
DAVE:
Thank you.
CHERYL:
Mm-hm. Alright, and I think you had your receipt e-mailed?
STEVE:
Yes, I did.
CHERYL:
Okay.
STEVE:
Okay.
CHERYL:
Um, this is just our copy, then. So, you’re all set!
STEVE:
Okay! Thank you very much.
CHERYL:
Thank you! Have a good day.
STEVE:
Alright.
DAVE:
You don’t have a hidden sprinkler system permit, do you?
STEVE:
No, sir. So I’ll just put it in my trunk.
DAVE:
Yup. Put one in the trunk, and one up front with you.
STEVE:
Okay.
DAVE:
So that’s why I separated the fertilizer and the sprinkler.
STEVE:
Okay. Gotcha, gotcha.
DAVE:
Um.. and you’re all set!
STEVE:
Okay.
DAVE:
Alrighty.
STEVE:
Thank you, sir. Appreciate it.
DAVE:
Have a good day.
STEVE:
You too.
Steve walks to his car, starts the engine, and drives away.
FINIS
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