Howard = Second Coming?

2007.02.11   prev     next

Is Howard Stern’s move to satellite radio the second coming of the messiah?  Let’s find out:

• Christ was born in the year 1. Howard signed with Sirius in 2005, which is 2004 years after the year 1. But many think that the Gregorian calendar is 4 years off, which could make it exactly 2000 years. Two millennia symbolizes the second coming.
• Howard Stern is considered a radical and a pariah, and is being persecuted by his government for spreading words they consider disruptive of the common good. So was Jesus.
• Howard is tall and gaunt, with long hair, like Jesus.
• Howard was born into the Jewish faith and ethnicity, like Jesus.
• The people were guided to Bethlehem by a special star that had appeared recently in the sky. The Sirius satellite is like a recent, new star, and is named after an actual star (Sirius) whose nickname is the “dog” star. (The Sirius Satellite Radio logo is a dog with a star in its eye.)  “Dog” backwards = “God.” “Dog star” is also the name of a band that features Keanu Reeves, who is most famous for playing Neo, an obvious Christ figure, in the Matrix movies.
• The phrase “Now we are drawn towards the new eastern star” uses no letters not found in “Howard Stern,” and uses each of them at least once.
• The messiah came out of the east. Howard Stern comes from New York, the most quintessentially eastern city in the U.S., at a time when most celebrities reside in, and operate from, the west coast. “York” means “place of yew trees” — yew trees are most prominently featured in old, Christian church grounds. Therefore “New York” means the new place of yew trees, or the new church grounds.
• Jesus was crucified by his government, then was resurrected in a new, powerful, unassailable form. Howard has been driven off of terrestrial (earthly) radio by the FCC, but has now risen to the heavens on Sirius, which the FCC cannot regulate.
• Jesus was reviled by most people of his time, but had a large, loyal following of true believers. Same with Howard.
• Howard is called the “King of all media.” Jesus was also called king, and “media” could be a euphemism for “message” or “word.”

Whoa! Better get your Sirius radio now. I’ve got mine.

Update 2008.04.25 — Did my ears deceive me, or did Pope Benedict just specifically praise Sirius Satellite Radio? Say no more.