Darel Rex Finley in 888

Sprinkler Shopping — A Radio Play

2016.05.16   prev     next

 

Setting: the American Heartland, Northpoint Shopping Plaza.

Steve strolls De L’obscurité. A nearby grand piano plays “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.” Light crowd noise.

Piano transitions into something somber and romantic, then slowly fades away as Steve heads toward Richard’s Lawn & Garden.

Robust crowd noise.

Ambient music fades in: The All-American Rejects — Swing, Swing.

Music cross-fades to: Eli Young Band — Your Last Broken Heart.

Music ends, starts anew: Shooter Jennings — Walk of Life.

Music ends, starts anew: Lyle Lovett — Isn’t That So.

iPhone messaging sound.

BOB:
You been helped, sir?

STEVE:
Ah, I was talking with Dave about forty-five minutes ago?

BOB:
Okay.

STEVE:
But I guess he, he’s busy with something.

BOB:
I can find ’im for ya. What—

STEVE:
Ah, I was thinkin’ about buyin’ a sprinkler system, but...

BOB:
Okay.

STEVE:
Is there— do I need to take a number?

BOB:
No, I can help you out.

STEVE:
Okay.

BOB:
Which kind you lookin’ at?

STEVE:
The, uh, uh, Water Hawk 13.

BOB:
Okay. The Gen III or the Gen IV?

STEVE:
The um... that’s a good question. Looking at this one right here. Full size?

BOB:
Okay, yep. The Gen III.

STEVE:
Na— yeah. Yeah, the Gen IV:
I mean, he didn’t really tell me what was better about it. Just the base is different?

BOB:
Yeah so, the base is different. You do get an extra hose with the Gen IV.

STEVE:
Oh, okay.

BOB:
They also use the two-screen controller. Two-screen, metal controller versus the one-screen, plastic controller. One of the things they upgraded. And the other thing on the Gen IV is they have interchangeable sprinkler heads on ’em.

STEVE:
Mmm.

BOB:
They come in four different sizes, to where you can change the sprinkler head size. So, the hose is a forty-dollar hose, so, some...

STEVE:
Yeah, that almost covers the difference right there.

BOB:
Correct.

STEVE:
So how many hoses do you get here?

BOB:
You get three with this one; you get two with that one.

STEVE:
Alright. Let’s, let’s, let’s—

BOB:
Do the Gen IV?

STEVE:
Do that, yeah, absolutely.

BOB:
Okay. (talks quietly to another employee)

Dave walks up.

STEVE:
Hey, Dave. I, I told them that I was with you.

DAVE:
Okay.

STEVE:
I don’t know if you guys get commission, or what.

DAVE:
Nope! No commission.

STEVE:
Okay.

BOB:
I was trying to take his sale, though.

STEVE:
Well... (laughing)

DAVE:
You are kinda, a thief—

STEVE:
Glad I didn’t have to take a number.

Dave hands Water Hawk to Steve.

DAVE:
Go ahead, look that guy over, make sure everything looks good for ya.

Steve examines the sprinkler, and plays with its moving parts.

STEVE:
Never actually handled a Water Hawk before. Just, uh, the Rainmaker.

DAVE:
And the Gen IV actually comes with three hoses. So you get the hose and the sprinkler, two spare hoses, and then your sprinkler heads.

STEVE:
What is that for?

DAVE:
You can change the head up top here.

STEVE:
Oh, I see.

DAVE:
And actually change, uh...

STEVE:
And have different kinds?

DAVE:
Yup.

STEVE:
Oh, so you can have one that sticks out further, and...

DAVE:
Yup.

STEVE:
Oh, nice, okay. Some people like that better or something?

DAVE:
Some people do.

STEVE:
Okay.

DAVE:
Some people like the jet paddle on some o’ these.

STEVE:
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

DAVE:
It kinda comes out a little farther.

STEVE:
And is this a lock? Comes with a lock?

DAVE:
Yup.

STEVE:
Oh. So I don’t even need to buy a lock right now.

DAVE:
Nope. Yeah, all new sprinklers come with a lock. So...

STEVE:
Sweet. That’s smart.

DAVE:
You said the address and everything is correct, right?

STEVE:
Yes, sir. That is completely current.

DAVE:
Alright.

STEVE:
It expires on my birthday, but that’s six months from now.

DAVE:
Well, we’re good for now! (laughs)

STEVE:
Okay. (smiling)

Music continues to play while Dave operates his sale terminal.

DAVE:
Alright. You’re gonna have to sit at any of the terminals here, get your background check done.

STEVE:
Alrighty.

DAVE:
Very simple procedure. It’s basically the same thing as on the old paper forms —

STEVE:
Okay.

DAVE:
— just on a computer.

STEVE:
Okay. Actually, I think the last time I bought a sprinkler, they didn’t even have that.

DAVE:
Okay.

STEVE:
Okay. Alright.

DAVE:
Well, the first one is nothing more than your pertinent information.

STEVE:
Sure.

DAVE:
Name, address, yada yada yada.

STEVE:
Gotcha.

DAVE:
Ah, spell everything out completely for me.

STEVE:
Will do.

DAVE:
Ah, your Social Security number is optional on the form. You don’t have to put it in.

STEVE:
Alright.

DAVE:
Um, if you do decide to use it, don’t put any dashes in it.

STEVE:
Okay.

DAVE:
Um, everything else after that’s gonna be drop-down menus, or yes-no buttons.

STEVE:
Okay!

DAVE:
So if you have any questions, I’ll be right here.

STEVE:
Thank you, sir.

DAVE:
Okay.

As “Isn’t That So” comes to a close, Steve begins entering data at the terminal.

Music ends, starts anew: Carrie Underwood — Good Girl.

Music ends, starts anew: Bruce Robison & Kelly Willis — Born To Roll.

DAVE:
All done?

STEVE:
Absolutely.

Dave works his terminal to complete the sale.

DAVE:
Go ahead and have you sign and date, here at the top, for me.

STEVE:
Alrighty. What’s—

DAVE:
Five sixteen twenty sixteen.

STEVE:
Sweet.

DAVE:
’Kay. And sign-and-date at the bottom of both of these, for me.

STEVE:
Alright.

Music ends, starts anew: Luke Bryan — Country Man.

DAVE:
Alrighhht.

STEVE:
Here ya go, sir.

Employees talking in background.

DAVE:
Gotta get the boss man to come over and sign all the paperwork, and you’re good-to-go, my friend.

STEVE:
Alright.

Music ends, starts anew: Jack Ingram — Love You.

DAVE:
There he is.

ROD:
What’s up. ... Is there a pen over there?

DAVE:
Yeah. There was. If not, I’ll throw one at ya. ... Aww.

DAVE:
Wanna pick up any fertilizer with it today?

STEVE:
Yeah, why not!

DAVE:
Okay.

STEVE:
I’ll, I’ll be right back. (retrieves bank card)

DAVE:
Yeah, you might want that with you. (laughing)

STEVE:
Take that with me, yeah.

Music ends, starts anew: Ashley Gearing — Out the Window.

DAVE:
Therrre, is your ID back.

STEVE:
OK, thank you.

DAVE:
Your copy of the paperwork, to go as well.

STEVE:
Awesome.

DAVE:
And, got your box of fertilizer.

STEVE:
Oh, headin’ up to the front?

DAVE:
Yup!

STEVE:
Alrighty.

DAVE:
You got all your cleaning supplies?

STEVE:
Yeah, I already got that.

DAVE:
Okay.

STEVE:
Or if I don’t, I’ll come back.

DAVE:
Okay.

STEVE:
I do.

DAVE:
Not a problem. Go ahead and grab your fertilizer, and we’ll head up...

STEVE:
Absolutely.

DAVE:
We got a truck this morning, Bob? No? Three hours early? (laughs) Oh, yeah.

DAVE:
Before you take it out to your yard...

STEVE:
Mm-hm?

DAVE:
Go ahead, break it down, clean it real good.

STEVE:
Okay.

DAVE:
They test spray ’em, but they don’t clean ’em afterwards.

STEVE:
Right.

DAVE:
So...

STEVE:
And then it’s been sitting there for a long time.

DAVE:
Yeah. So, just, break it down, give it a good cleaning, real good. Lube it up. And then take it out to your yard.

STEVE:
Gotcha.

They meet Cheryl at the main entrance.

CHERYL:
Hi, how’re you today?

STEVE:
Doing great, how are you?

CHERYL:
Good, thanks.

DAVE:
Here’s the paperwork, Cheryl.

CHERYL:
Alright. Did you have a green-thumb card with us ...

STEVE:
I do!

Cheryl scans the card.

CHERYL:
Thank you.

STEVE:
Thank you.

CHERYL:
Here ya go.

Cheryl completes the paperwork.

CHERYL:
Alright, this is just gonna ask you a question on the PIN pad for those. It’s just asking for your ...

STEVE:
Okay. Yep. Sure am.

CHERYL:
And did you want to apply for a credit card and get sixty-one dollars back in the mail today?

STEVE:
No, thank you.

CHERYL:
Okay. It’s gonna be six fifty seven and eighty seven cents.

STEVE:
Alright. And do you use this slot?

DAVE:
Yep.

STEVE:
Alright.

CHERYL:
Just wait for it to prompt first.

STEVE:
Oh, okay. I didn’t wait.

CHERYL:
Yeah, okay. It’s gonna need me to reset it.

STEVE:
Okay. Okay. Sorry about that.

CHERYL:
No, you’re fine.

DAVE:
(says something in background)

STEVE:
(laughs)

CHERYL:
Alright.

STEVE:
Okay.

Steve finishes card transaction.

CHERYL:
Mm-hm. And, it’s gonna have you sign.

STEVE:
Okay. Gotcha.

DAVE:
Got another little bag over there, Cheryl?

CHERYL:
Yeah.

DAVE:
Thank you.

CHERYL:
Mm-hm. Alright, and I think you had your receipt e-mailed?

STEVE:
Yes, I did.

CHERYL:
Okay.

STEVE:
Okay.

CHERYL:
Um, this is just our copy, then. So, you’re all set!

STEVE:
Okay! Thank you very much.

CHERYL:
Thank you! Have a good day.

STEVE:
Alright.

DAVE:
You don’t have a hidden sprinkler system permit, do you?

STEVE:
No, sir. So I’ll just put it in my trunk.

DAVE:
Yup. Put one in the trunk, and one up front with you.

STEVE:
Okay.

DAVE:
So that’s why I separated the fertilizer and the sprinkler.

STEVE:
Okay. Gotcha, gotcha.

DAVE:
Um.. and you’re all set!

STEVE:
Okay.

DAVE:
Alrighty.

STEVE:
Thank you, sir. Appreciate it.

DAVE:
Have a good day.

STEVE:
You too.

Steve walks to his car, starts the engine, and drives away.

FINIS

 

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